What Makes You Smile?

"What makes you smile?"

My boss asked me this today.  My response: "...I dont know."

And, the sad part is that I really dont know.  I mean, I smile many times a day, most days. But that wasnt the question.  I can read between the lines (I'm a therapist, after all); what he wanted to know was, "What motivates and inspires you and makes you truly happy?"

The question stunned me into silence and almost brought me to tears.  I struggled to find the answer and stammered, "I dont know" several more times before I came up with some semblance of one. I was silent on my drive home, too, processing the question.

What makes me happy? What motivates me to get up in the morning? What really lights my fire? I threw out a few thoughts to see if it fit:

My job? Sometimes, but not always.
Adventures? Yes, it is exciting, but only temporarily.
Trying new things? It is fun and makes good memories.
Working out? I like the feeling after, but it certainly isnt the reason I get up in the morning.
Eating? The bane of my existence, unfortunately.
My friends and family? Sure, I love them.

So, then what is it? And, more importantly, how do I find it?

I feel stuck. I dont know which direction to go, even though I know I need to go one way or the other. I cant decide where I'd rather be.  I dont know what makes me truly happy.

The Biggest Loser

It is no secret that I love The Biggest Loser.  I love to watch the contestants bust their butts in the gym and in the kitchen to get healthy.  I especially love the transformations, inside and out.  One of the cool things about the show is that the trainers encourage the contestants to explore why they got to the point where they were so overweight and what was motivating them to want to get healthy.  Most (if not all) have a story about a loss, family problems, relationship problems, or something else that derailed them and most have turned to food for comfort. Also, their motivations to get healthy are similar: so they can live longer with their families and be present for special occasions.

Though I dont weight as much as the contestants on the show, I really relate to them.  I know what it is like to avoid going out with friends, to dread picking out clothes or going shopping, and to hate yourself because of the way I look and feel.  It is horrible. Like the contestants, I make excuse after excuse, even though I know I will feel worse after the fact. I beat myself up for making "wrong" or "bad" choices and dont give myself near enough credit for the "right" or "good" decisions I make.

Tonight was one of my favorite episodes of the season--the makeover episode.  The contestants get to see their families for the first time in 13 weeks and reveal their transformations.  There are lots of tears, and I shed some, too. There is also a consistent theme: "I feel like myself, like the old me, like who I am supposed to be." I want that.  I need that.

I am not going to lie, I felt some jealousy while watching this episode.  I want to reach that goal for myself and I want to feel what I imagine these contestants feel--pride, excitement, healthy, and an incredible sense of accomplishment. The difference between myself and them? They commit 100% to their goals, while I am still half-assing it.  I am not being consistent with WW and working out; it isnt a lifestyle...yet. I want to feel and look good and healthy and happy.  And I will.

Motivation

I did not lose any thing this week--unless you count my sanity.  My week was a mess, thrown off by a last minute two day training for work, a vet trip for Chipper to be neutered, and a really weird Wednesday night when a woman came to our door seeking shelter from a crazy ex that was chasing her (long story). I am the kind of person that really likes to plan and know whats coming.  I also recharge by being alone, doing my own thing. I didnt get much of that this week, which threw me off and made me feel a little irritable. It also wasnt conducive to eating well or going to the gym. So, I am glad I didnt gain weight this week and I am ready to get back to my routine this coming week.

I was thinking about motivation.  Lately, this is where I have been struggling.  I feel very little motivation to do much of anything--some days, going to work is hard, much less finding the motivation or energy to cook, clean, or work out.  So I wanted to list some of the things that should help motivate me to reach my goals.

1. Feeling healthy!
          The one thing that I have noticed is that when I eat better, I feel better (DUH).  But, the instances        of my stomach hurting have really decreased, because I am not putting as much junk in my body as I was. Even if I screw up, or in some cases, dont have a choice about what I eat, I am still making more conscious choices than I was.

2. Looking better!
         Not here yet--not even close, but a big part of my motivation comes from looking better.  I want to feel comfortable in my clothes.  I have SO many in my closet that I cant wear because they dont fit or are too uncomfortable.  And, shopping is NO fun anymore at all.  It is the part of the day that I dread the most--having to decide what to wear and knowing it is all going to be uncomfortable and ill-fitting. I want to look in the mirror and think, "yeah! this looks good!"

3. 10-Year High School Reunion!
          I recently got the Facebook notification that we are on standby for details about our 10 year reunion.  This is motivation for two reasons: I want to look good when I see people I havent seen for so long, and, the big one for me, I want to feel good. I want to be able to wear whatever I want and not have to dread going because of how I look or feel.  I want to be able to put on any outfit that I choose and not fight the battle in my mind and get bent out of shape because I am uncomfortable in my own skin.

Those are the big ones at the moment.  I want to do this for me.  Not for my fellow class of 2004-ers, not for my friends, not even for my boyfriend.  I want it for ME.

Losing...slowly.

Yesterday was my first weigh in for WW.  I was kind of nervous and kind of excited.  When I got on the scale, I had only lost .6 pounds. WTF?! I was definitely disappointed.  But, at the same time, now I get to reflect on why it was only .6 pounds.

Monday night, some friends and I went to watch the BCS Championship game at a bar downtown.  I knew we'd probably be eating out, so I tried to eat really well during the day and save some points.  But, I messed up.  I ordered fries (in a moment of weakness) which put me well above my point range. I got wings, which would have probably been ok point-wise on their own, but then I slipped and thought "whatever, I ate well today and worked out." Mistake 1. (I need to remember to be gentle.  This is a flashback to my old ways, where I would not even think twice about getting wings and fries, in addition to whatever other crap I ate that day,  but I am beginning to make more of a conscious effort, so I need to remember that).

Tuesday and Wednesday were on target.  I was starving by the time I got off work, but came home and made a healthy meal. Wednesday I did spin class, which kicked ass and burned a lot of calories!

Thursday, I had dinner with my boyfriend's family and had no control over what was served.  We had ham, ribs, rice noodles, and cake for dessert.  I am not a big dessert fan (my saving grace on WW), but I also didnt want to be rude when it was put in front of me.  And, it was actually REALLY good. But, that was mistake 2.  I didnt need or really want the cake, so I should have politely declined. The other food alone would have been fine, but I slipped. It was trivia night as well, and I skipped the free popcorn, but had 3 beers.

Friday, we had a breakfast at work.  It was breakfast casserole, which was delish and I am not one to pass up free food! I tried to do my best to add up the point value for it, but I was probably a little bit off, so I may have had more points than I thought.  But, I did work out on Friday, too.

So recap: I need to work on what to do when I am out to eat, or in another situation where I am not in control of the food choice. So many of my social outings and time with friends revolves around eating out or grabbing drinks, so this is going to be a huge challenge for me.  I am trying to realize that even though it was only .6 of a pound, it is still .6 that is gone now.  I can do better this coming week, and cut myself some slack while I figure out this new way of eating and living.

"YOU Are the Person in the Front Seat of Your Car"

This morning, I was driving to work down the barren, windy highway on my way to Cheyenne, WY.  The recording in my head went something like this: "I do not want to go to work today.  It is cold and windy and I'm drained and I could be using this time for anything else. Im tired of hearing other people's problems when I cant even handle my own.  How can I possibly be helping them when I cant help myself? Why is my commute so long? Why does it feel like my car is going to blow off the road? WHY ARE THERE SO MANY TUMBLEWEEDS?!"

Suddenly, I stopped.  Not literally, because there was probably a semi barreling down I-25 behind me,  but I caught myself and thought, "Whoa Britt. Hang on a second.  You have a job.  You have a paycheck.  You have a car to get you to said job.  You have so much. Why cant you be happy?" It got me thinking about perspective.  I am so "woe is me" so much of the time.  I am wrapped up in what I dont have: a bigger paycheck, my own house, a newer car, a shorter commute.  I rarely take the time to shift my perspective on what I do have: my family and friends, my education, my job, my (relatively speaking, of course) health.  Why is my perspective constantly so negative? And, how do I change it?

And then, I saw this:
http://shockable.com/called-worlds-ugliest-girl-response-unbelievably-beautiful-literally-cried/

WOW. What an incredible testimony to taking control of your own life.  I am not sure any of us would blame her if she was down and out, but she chose happiness. No one would have blamed her for being reclusive, depressed, or negative, but she chose happiness. And because she chose happiness, she accomplished her goals, despite being dealt a less-than-ideal hand.

Are some people hardwired to choose happiness or to look on the bright side while others tend to see the glass as half empty?  Probably.  Probably some nature vs. nurture shit coming into play somewhere.  But, can those people who are more negatively charged change and become one of those glass half full people? Can I change?

Discouraged and Depressed by Day 2?!

So, it is day 2 of my happiness project...and I am already feeling discouraged. While I did fairly well with WW yesterday, I still woke up with a stomach ache and just overall felt crappy. I know that this journey is going to be full of lots of ups and downs, but I thought I would be feeling much more motivated at the beginning.  I was hoping I would be feeling very "gung ho" about the whole idea of getting healthy and happy, but instead I am just feeling unmotivated, discouraged, and negative.

In an effort to be totally honest about my journey, I am going to try not to hold anything back.  I have been making excuses--to myself and others--for years.  YEARS. And, in the spirit of full disclosure, I have to stop doing that--to myself and others. So, when I say I feel like shit, I really feel like shit.  And at this moment, I am struggling to find something positive to say about myself, my life (which, from the outside looking in, is pretty darn good), my job, and my future.

Part of being depressed (not just sad, or down, but clinically) is a lack of motivation to do anything, even something that I know is going to make me feel better.  Im lacking motivation to do much of anything--even naming this blog seems like too much at this moment. I think that it is also okay to admit that things arent perfect for me right now.  Sometimes it is hard to understand for other people, but I am trying to be gentle on myself and say, "Hey Britt, it is OKAY to not be okay right now."

Cheers to 2014!

It seems like at the start of every year I vow to make changes.  I vow to lose weight, be more active, be more positive, or be nicer to others. Sure enough, come midnight on New Year's Eve, I was swearing up and down that this year was going to be different.  I am going to lose weight, become healthy, eat better, manage stress well, and be more positive. Can I do it? Time will tell. As part of my journey, I decided that I would blog about my progress, set backs, frustrations, and celebrations. 

New Years, 2010 (happy and healthy)

As a first step, I made the decision to (re)join Weight Watchers, because I know many people who have had a lot of success.  WW isnt just about a diet, it is about a lifestyle change, which is what I need.  I need a complete lifestyle overhaul, really.  I am hoping that I can stick to it.  I am also hoping that I can be kind to myself throughout this process.   

Today is day one.  Ironically, (and I mention this so that I can provide insight into my thought process), I decided that I deserved binge before I started WW.  This means pizza, wings, beer, mac and cheese bites, and a chicken caesar salad.  All of this was yesterday.  I was up all night with stomach aches and bathroom breaks and it sucked.  The more cynical side of me says, "you deserve to feel like shit because you ate so much shit" while the more positive side says, "this is all the more reason to begin to eat better and become healthy."  

I am going to have to make some tough changes.  I am going to have to cut (way) down on my drinking, because I cant make good food choices when I am drinking, not to mention all the wasted calories.  I am going to have to be careful and conscious about my food choices--which for me, has always been the hardest part because I am such an emotional eater. I am going to have to stop making excuses; excuses about my lack of time to work out or make dinner or my stress level, etc. I can make an excuse about anything! 

I am excited, but also nervous and scared, about my journey.  I am excited because I am know I am going to feel so much better in so many ways when I reach my goals.  I am nervous and scared because it is going to be hard.  I have a long long way to go before I reach my goals and that is very daunting. I feel like I am standing at the bottom of the mountain looking up, but I am looking forward to being at the top and looking down! 

Summit of Mt Bierstadt, 2012